Mentality
by StevieTheDragon
Summary: What's it like to be normal, mentally? To not struggle with his own mind is what Tokoyami secretly wishes for, that way, he wont be an outcast. At least, that's what he thinks. Taking place after the Provisional Hero License Exam, Tokoyami struggles to cope with mental issues that are seeming to only grow worse. However, a certain frog-like friend is willing to hop to his aid.
1. Chapter 1: Bus Ride

**Happy Tokotober!** **This is my first write of FanFiction, so I'm hoping it turns out well in the end. I've got school and I'm new to this so updates may not be frequent**. **Sorry if the first chapter is a bit short, I'll try and make them longer as time goes on.**

Excitement was the only emotion Tokoyami could register right now, staring down at his new hero license. Yes, _his_ hero license. His hands were shaking, nearly dropping the small rectangular object; although he caught himself before he could make any clumsy mishaps with the precious item. Dirtying it as soon as possible wasn't exactly on his list.

Tokoyami could scarcely recall the events that had lead up to now due to being lost in the moment, but eventually calmed down, recalling one memory in particular with a rare, genuine smile. He had been standing with his classmates as well as some other hero classes, forming a small crowd in front of a stage that held a large screen above it. The names of all the passing students had been displayed on a bright blue list, each student trying to find their own name within the ranks. Tokoyami was on that list, sitting there like any other rightful name. Yet to him, it looked like some sort of miracle; it actually pierced the darkness for once in his shadow-filled life.

"Tokoyami, you're gonna miss the bus at this rate. Ribbit."

The neutral sounding voice of his frog-like classmate, Tsuyu, startled him; though it did successfully bring him back to reality. Tucking the license away in one of his pockets, he turned towards the girl and gave a respectful nod, his smile being replaced by a more calm expression. Getting ready to head back, he took a second to stretch before facing towards the bus, he wasn't exactly going to get the chance to stand again for the next hour or so after all.

Beginning his trek back to the bus, now with Tsuyu walking alongside him, Tokoyami realized just how exhausted he was. Reflecting on how he did throughout the entire exam felt too tiring to think about right now, however, a nice comfortable warm bed or possibly even talking to others felt like a more suitable choice. The thought of being alone, like usual, brought an eerie sense of darkness along with it, a type of darkness that was cloudy and unfamiliar.

 _"But I'm not alone, Tsuyu is right here,"_ Tokoyami thought to himself as he stepped onto the bus. _"My classmates are right in here, too."_ He glanced at his friends, trying to reassure himself as he headed towards his seat. _"Yeah, they're right there."_ The thoughts made his stomach churn, seemingly just making it worse.

 ** _"You're alright, Toko,"_** a familiar voice echoed in his head as he took his seat on the bus, **_"Just calm down and remember to breathe. Those thoughts are unrealistic and complete nonsense."_** Tokoyami felt the small form of Dark Shadow wrap around the back of his neck and rest on the base of his shoulder. Relaxing, the worries ebbed away into nothingness as he looked towards his companion, grateful for his advice. These thoughts were only heard between the two, as they both shared a mental link together.

Tokoyami couldn't help but crack a small smile at the sentient quirk, though he felt a twinge of guilt for involving Dark Shadow in his pointless feelings. The two had been together for years now, Dark Shadow accompanying his host through even the most difficult of times. The two were like brothers, in a strange way. Since Dark Shadow had developed after Tokoyami was born, it was logical that Tokoyami was the bigger brother.

Letting out a sigh, Tokoyami rested his head against the cushioned seat of the bus and closed his eyes, the idle chatter of his classmates providing a background noise to listen to. It provoked a cheerful feeling on the bus, putting Tokoyami at ease. He had been getting so comfortable in his seat that he almost failed to notice Tsuyu walking up to the spot next to him.

"Mind if I sit here, Tokoyami?" Tsuyu asked, standing next to the open seat.

"Go right ahead, I think I need the company anyway." Tokoyami replied, cracking an eye open to watch her settle down into her seat. She wasn't loud or obnoxious, unlike some of his classmates, so he figured that she could provide good company.

"Why's that? Not to sound rude or anything, but you're not normally the most social person, Tokoyami. Ribbit." Tsuyu tilted her head to one side and put a finger to her lips, something she did almost every time she asked a question.

Nodding, Tokoyami closed his eyes and breathed out a deep sigh, trying to gather his thoughts on how to explain this. "Well, I guess having someone to talk to about the license exam just feels nice," he said, crossing his arms and staring up at the ceiling. "I don't really socialize much, so perhaps the idea of doing so excites me. I get to finally express my thoughts and ideas rather than stay quiet and hide in the shadows. Also, you're a very calm and collected person, so having a conversation with you is quite relaxing." When he finally finished explaining his reasons, he looked back towards Tsuyu, waiting for her response.

Tsuyu chuckled, a warm smile forming on her face. "You're rather poetic with darkness in your sentences, Tokoyami. I've heard you use it quite a lot throughout the school year too. Is it a force of habit?" She asked. Ironically enough, she did her own habit of tilting her head and putting a finger to her mouth again, which didn't go unnoticed by Tokoyami.

"Unfortunately, I may have been cursed to do so in most of my sentences," Tokoyami said with a smirk. "The darkness lurks within me after all, woven between my very words." The choice of wording was obviously too forced to be done by habit this time, though Tsuyu laughed lightly at his joke.

 **"No!"** Dark Shadow squeaked. He suddenly uncurled from his position, a glare clearly visible on his face. **"No more poetry about darkness and shadows! It doesn't even sound cool,"** Dark Shadow said with a groan. He then positioned himself in front of Tokoyami, **"No wonder you aren't that social, if you were, your constant babbling over darkness and shadows and whatnot would drive me crazy!"** The sentient quirk continued to rant for awhile about Tokoyami's word choices, eventually shrinking back inside of his host once he believed his point had been made.

The two students sat in silence for the next few minutes, both having gone quiet. Eventually, the quiet between the two was broken by the sound of Tokoyami letting out a light chuckle, a hand placed over his beak. Trying to calm himself, he removed his hand from his beak, though he still had a small smile on his face.

"What's so funny, Tokoyami?" Tsuyu asked tilting her head again.

"In all my years of living with Dark Shadow, I never thought..." Tokoyami trailed off, chuckling again before he regained his composure. "I never thought that Dark Shadow would be my new English teacher," he said, laughing lightly.

Tsuyu blinked, processing what he had just told her. Dark Shadow as an English teacher, grading papers, grumbling over spelling errors, assigning homework; those were the very first few images that popped into her head. Tsuyu quickly found herself joining in on the mellow laughter. "I'm not sure he would make a very good English teacher," Tsuyu said, the two eventually calming down after their lighthearted discussion.

Relaxing back in his seat, Tokoyami stared at the ceiling, a small smile present on his face. Socializing felt so nice, why hadn't he tried it before?

 _"Because I might mess up or make someone upset, I might say the wrong thing. What if she found my joke to be weird and stupid, or what if she now thinks of me as a immature person for making such dumb remarks? What if-"_

 _ **"Toko, please..."**_ Dark Shadow thought, reaching out the way only a shadow could to smother the worries forming.

 _"Right, Dark Shadow, sorry."_


	2. Chapter 2: Nightmare

**Hey guys, the next chapter is here! I'm so sorry for keeping you guys waiting, I've been busy with school work and still need to finish up some reading, ironically enough. Sorry if it might sound kinda 'eh' in some parts, I'm still learning and I proofread it myself. Anyway, enjoy the story!**

* * *

"There! I can see ice! They're in the middle of a fight!" The voice sounded near, but also far. Tokoyami couldn't determine the distance of the voice, for a mask of darkness impeded his vision, distracting him from whatever dilemma was out of his control. The shadows had bound his limbs, betraying the gentle trust that he had developed over the years, leaving him helplessly tied against a major fraction of his being. The piece of himself which had taken away his freedom to move was none other than Dark Shadow, rampaging through the forest, greedy talons outstretched as he tried to pin down his prey, Shoji and Midoriya.

Dark Shadow had grown to an uncontrollable size, his claws now about twice the size of the trees he ripped from the ground. His eyes were an ominous red, the lust for destruction, chaos, and bloodshed evident in his glowing gaze. The large figure of Dark Shadow was currently being fueled by darkness and his hosts emotions, the two sources being rich and plentiful. All of these factors combined had turned the quirk into a monster, slithering along the forest floor in a blind rage.

Tokoyami wasn't completely blind, seeing the forest in a hazy grey-scale. The darkness which covered his eyes was white, contrasting to the black beast. The fact that he could see however, did not ease his racing heart. It felt like his mind was in pieces, the mental toll of Dark Shadow causing a constant, sharp pain in his head.

"Bakugo! Todoroki! One of you, please- Make some light!" Shoji ran, carrying an injured Midoriya on his back, with Dark Shadow in hot pursuit.

"Flesh!" Tokoyami heard a familiar voice from above, followed by the sound of sharp metal heading in his direction. Dark Shadow suddenly let out a roar, slamming a claw down and shattering a wall of ice, pinning the villain, Moonfish, between his talons. The sensation of Dark Shadow attacking with such power was overwhelming. Feelings of fear and guilt coursed through him, it was his fault for putting his classmates in danger. The emotional trauma combined with Dark Shadow's overpowering mental grip was just too much.

Tokoyami couldn't help but let out a wail of agony, tears rushing down his face. Trapped inside Dark Shadows cavernous jaws, he struggled uselessly, trying to make it stop. He swore this incident in the forest had already happened, so why was he reliving it?

The beast roared, slamming a claw into the ground with frustration, trying to crush Shoji and Midoriya once more. The sudden yell of the villain, followed by sharp metal blades, came unexpectedly. The blades stuck through Dark Shadow's head, proving to be ineffective as the metal creaked. Suddenly grabbing the villain in his left claw, he glared down at Moonfish.

 **"Don't beg, small fry!"** Dark Shadow bellowed in a booming immense force, he tightened his grip and shattered the various bladed teeth. Still not satisfied, he smashed the villain through various trees before tossing the unconscious body away.

Dark Shadow raised up into the air, head pointed towards the sky. **"I haven't had enough fun yet!"** The quirk then arched back down towards his classmates, coming down upon them as his body formed sharp, pointed spikes. Surely this was the point where Dark Shadow would be subdued by light, Tokoyami clearly remembered that happening; he waited for Bakugo's explosion and Todoroki's fire. Much to his horror, the light never came.

The sharp tendrils slammed down with relentless force, impaling each one of his classmates. Suddenly, Dark Shadow receded into Tokoyami, giving him free control of his body. Sitting there, completely shocked and confused, his first instinct was to run to his classmates. Dashing into a full on sprint for only about a second, he stumbled and collapsed onto the dirt. He crawled to his nearest classmate, Shoji, and tried to wake him. Blood was on his hands now, he was confused and scared, his whole body trembling. Binds of fabric wove around his body, and he found himself face to face with Aizawa.

"Tokoyami! What did you do?!" Tokoyami tried to respond, but only managed to scream. Dark Shadow had appeared behind Aizawa, eyes glowing red as the dark monster came down upon his teacher.

Then, he woke up.

* * *

Sitting up in bed with a sudden flow of adrenaline, Tokoyami let out a scream of alarm, his eyes tracing across the bedroom. Tightly clenching onto a black, soft blanket, his whole body shook with aftershock.

Being jolted awake, as if struck by a bolt of lightning, Dark Shadow instantly emerged and scanned the room for danger. Seeing no threat, he turned towards his host, eyes widening when he noticed Tokoyami's distraught state.

Tokoyami tried to calm himself down by breathing, remembering the techniques Dark Shadow taught him to use if he was scared. Sweat ran down his forehead, his breathes still coming out uneven. He was safe, it was just a nightmare, a very terrible nightmare. "D-Dark Shadow," he whimpered, unable to handle this by himself. Dark Shadow didn't need to be told twice. Floating to a more comfortable position, he gently wrapped his arms around Tokoyami, letting his life-long companion rest his beak on his shoulder. Staying in this position, Dark Shadow knew it was best to keep quiet for a bit, for Tokoyami was in a deeply distressed state; silent tears falling from his face.

The nightmares had been plaguing Tokoyami's mind ever since the the training camp incident, unearthing a new set of feelings. They had slowly been growing more troublesome, shifting in odd and unsettling ways; it was almost as if they changed everyday. A sudden sense of self-hatred came over him and he tightened his grip around Dark Shadow. "I don't deserve anything," Tokoyami whispered, not enjoying this emotional roller coaster ride. He didn't know how to react, as it felt like his feelings were just changing too rapidly.

 **"Toko,"** Dark Shadow said quietly, tightening his hug around Tokoyami. He was shocked at this sudden display of emotions, not being used to such strong negativity. **"Toko,"** he said again, **"you deserve everything you currently have. Your education, friends, me."** Dark Shadow paused, letting out a deep breath. **"You're just going through some complicated feelings right now,"** he murmured, rubbing Tokoyami's back.

After a few minutes of silence, the depression had dwindled down to a small but manageable level. Taking a couple deep breaths to calm himself, he let out a short sigh, Dark Shadow curling around his neck. Suddenly, there was a loud knocking at the door.

"Hey man, you alright in there?" The sound of Kirishima's voice surprised him. Weren't his classmates asleep, or had he just been that loud. Getting out of bed, he placed a hand to his head, feeling a little dizzy from the whole ordeal. "If you don't respond in the next minute then I'm gonna bust this door down, assuming you're in serious danger or something." He sounded more concerned now, clearly worried about his classmate. Realizing that his current train of thought would end up with a busted entrance to his room, Tokoyami made his way towards the door.

"Just a moment," he said, unlocking his door and opening it. He was met with his classmates, Kirishima and Sato, both of whom had a look of look of worry on their faces. "Yes, I'm fine," Tokoyami said, answering Kirishima's question from beforehand. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, Sato and I, as well as a few other classmates, were hanging out in the common area when we heard a scream from your room; we both came over to see what was up," Kirishima explained, crossing his arms casually across his chest. He put emphasis on the word 'few', sharing a knowing glance with Sato. It had really been most of the class, but he didn't feel comfortable admitting this.

"Seriously," Tokoyami said in disbelief, placing a hand to his head. He leaned against the doorway and let out a groan, clearly annoyed; the last thing he needed was a room full of worried classmates. Taking his hand off his head and stuffing both of them into his pockets, he glanced at Kirishima, who now had a big grin on his face.

"Yeah man, seriously. You're usually a quiet guy, so hearing you chirp so loud was a bit startling," Kirishima chuckled, though Tokoyami didn't seem so enthralled by his pun. Kirishima then asked, with a more serious expression, "Speaking of which, why did you scream so loud?"

"Nightmares," Tokoyami muttered, glancing down at the floor. He felt rather silly telling his classmate, especially Kirishima, who was all about being manly and tough.

"I see, must've been a really bad one," Kirishima said, placing a hand thoughtfully to his chin. "Well, don't feel bad about it man, not even I'm manly enough to toughen up to them," he said with a smile, giving Tokoyami a thumbs up. "If it makes you feel any better, you can join Sato and I at the common room. Since almost everybody passed the exam, we decided to throw a celebration. This dude's baking is awesome, you just gotta try it." Kirishima elbowed Sato in a lighthearted manner, smirking.

Tokoyami's stomach rumbled at the suggestion of food, so he went with his gut and accepted the offer. "Alright, sounds good. Thanks for the support, Kirishima," Tokoyami said with a nod, exiting his room and closing the door behind him. "Anytime," Kirishima said, returning the gesture with a nod of his own.

Heading to the common room, accompanied by Kirishima and Sato, he heard the sound of cheerful conversation and laughter. Hot chocolate and tea was being served on white, cloth-covered, tables, as well as pound cake, apples, and various other foods. Tokoyami's appetite felt voracious in that moment, having not eaten much today; the apples looked especially tempting.

Looking around to see who was there, he saw Midoriya chatting with Lida, or at least trying to. Lida was moving his arms in his well known robotic motion, talking about making rational decisions or something along the lines of that. All of the class 1-A girls were gathered at their own little area, speaking in secrecy and shooting glances at some of the guys, occasionally giggling. Tokoyami couldn't exactly tell what they were discussing, so he went with the assumption that it was a forbidden conversation amongst girls; not meant for his ears. Kaminari was lost in bliss to the taste of Sato's pound cake, eating an uneaten slice he had unintentionally snatched from Sero. Koda was quietly talking with Shoji, one of the few people Koda felt comfortable talking to; he was also comfortable talking to Tokoyami. Shoji was listening, though also watching Mineta, making sure the grape headed pervert didn't try anything. Aoyama was talking to Ojiro, all while posing in some rather attention seeking ways. Everything felt normal and correct, just how Tokoyami liked it.

Noticing his arrival, Tsuyu excused herself from the group and made her way over to Tokoyami. He found this to be rather puzzling, as he wasn't normally one to draw attention to himself. Perhaps fighting alongside her and the ride on the bus had formed a sort of friendship between them. Thinking about it, he didn't really have any personal friends, the relationship between his classmates was more of a mutual friendship which everybody shared together.

"Tokoyami, are you alright? We heard a scream, ribbit," Tsuyu said, tilting her head to one side and placing a finger to her mouth. Almost everyone had stopped their conversations to listen in, curious for an explanation.

"It was just a nightmare," Tokoyami muttered, crossing his arms, "besides, I haven't eaten much anyway." The sudden growl of his stomach supported this statement, much to his embarrassment. "I'm sorry for causing so much concern," Tokoyami said, bowing apologetically. With their curiosity quenched, his classmates had gone back to chatting, Sato and Kirishima heading back into the crowd.

"Well, I accept your apology, Tokoyami. I think they do too, though they're caught up in conversations," Tsuyu said, glancing at her classmates. "How about we get something to eat and talk about your nightmare," she suggested. "Whenever one of my siblings had a nightmare, I would talk about it with them," she explained.

"Sure, that'd be a nice way to soothe the darkness in my heart," he said casually, heading over to one of the food tables. He went for a slice of pound cake, green tea with honey, and a big red apple.

Moving to a more secluded corner of the room, which had a sofa and coffee table, he set his food down and took a seat on the couch. Resting his head back against the soft cushion, he let out a relieved sigh. It felt good to be in the company of others, as if the social atmosphere reassured him that he was a part of it.

 _'Am I really allowed to be here? I did put a stop to everyone's enjoyment earlier, just by simply screaming.'_ Before he could continue, Tsuyu sat down next to him, interrupting his thoughts. She had just a cup of green tea, already full from eating earlier.

"This scenario is a bit familiar, wouldn't you agree, Tokoyami?" Tsuyu took a sip of her tea, placing it onto the coffee table after.

"Yeah, it is," Tokoyami said, taking a bite out of his slice of pound cake. The situation was like their trip back on the bus. "So, I guess I should begin with my dream?" He felt a bit nervous, not being used to talking about his personal feelings or experiences.

"Only if you feel comfortable discussing it, ribbit," Tsuyu said, placing her hands in her lap. Tokoyami gave her a respectful nod, deciding to eat first. After spending a couple minutes eating, he felt ready to begin.

"Well, do you remember the summer camp incident?" Tokoyami looked down at his hands, intertwining his fingers.

"Yeah, I remember. I recall being told that you had lost control of Dark Shadow, so I assume that's what your nightmare was about, Tokoyami," Tsuyu said, sipping at her tea.

"Yes, that's correct," Tokoyami murmured, scratching his head before looking at her, a serious expression on his face. "Now, before we continue, I need you to make a promise; can you promise not to tell anyone about this?" The request was strange, genuinely surprising Tsuyu; she never knew Tokoyami was so serious about a subject such as dreams.

"I won't tell a soul," Tsuyu said, the conversation having taken a darker tone.

"Good," Tokoyami sighed, beginning to recall his nightmare to her. He told her how he had lost control and was attacking his friends, about Dark Shadow defeating Moonfish, then impaling his classmates, getting ready to kill Aizawa. It was briefly summarized, leaving out all the parts about how he was being mentally tortured by Dark Shadow; the important parts. His voice was quieter when he finished, even explaining the parts of the story that weren't as bad still felt difficult.

"Dammit," Tokoyami muttered, trying to keep his composure. After his story, he took a moment to relax and regain his facade, feeling Tsuyu pat his back gently. "So yeah, that's what my nightmare was about," he said, though he knew that was partially a lie.

"I see," Tsuyu said, removing her hand from his back. "That must've been scary. You feel better after talking about it? Ribbit," she asked, looking towards his face.

"Yeah," Tokoyami said, looking at her with a small, forced smile.

 _'Liar,' an awful_ voice echoed in his head, quiet, yet giving him chills.

"Alright, I'm glad I could help," Tsuyu said, smiling and getting up from the couch.

 _'You're a liar, Tokoyami!'_ The voice said again. Tokoyami placed a hand to his head, now confused. _'Wait, these are my thoughts.'_ He felt anxiety trickling into his body, his breathing growing unsteady.

"Tsuyu," Tokoyami managed to choke out, catching her attention. She turned around to ask him what was wrong, though stopped mid-sentence when she noticed her classmates distraught state. He had a hand to his head, a cold sweat forming across his face that could rival Bakugo's sweat speed. Sitting down, Tsuyu checked for any unwanted attention before looking back at Tokoyami.

"Tokoyami, what's wrong," Tsuyu asked in a quiet voice, feeling rather concerned for her friends well being.

Tokoyami slowly brought his hand back down to his lap, taking a moment to breath. "It's not just about my nightmare," he whispered, looking down at the seat. Looking back up at her, now staring straight into her eyes, a look of discomfort washed over his face. "There's something else you need to know," he said.

Taking a deep breath, he got ready to talk to her; to tell her about the feelings which plagued him day and night.


End file.
